Pink fall foliage
Preface: This is a raw snippet of what swirled in my mind after a call-back for a mammogram. Excuse the lack of grammatical perfection, the bluntness and the free-form as the words came tumbling out, straight from the depths of fear.
There is something very unnerving about being called after a mammogram test to schedule a return visit for a follow-up ultrasound... with the urgency of returning within the next two days. Guilt hit me like a semi-truck square on because I was that patient that had postponed my mammogram a year beyond when I "should" have gone in. Of course they are not pleasant, especially for those of us that are not well-endowed as there is little to grab to get up on the 'plate' poised for pinching and pressing and pulling beyond the threshold for pain.. I rationalized that life was busy and I would do it tomorrow...
Part of me believed that because of dense tissue (the call-back had happened last time but with less urgency in the return visit) that this was a routine procedure to ensure nothing was wrong. I wanted to belive that.
The bigger part of me crawled into a cave of denial on the outside, reassuring the hubs and mom that there was nothing wrong, but inwardly sensing that something brewed beneath the tissues...this time.
Two days later... the day came and even the chai tea tasted awful and I couldn't stop talking because that works when I'm nervous (along with laughing at all the wrong moments), and while there on the stiff table, the ultrasound technician wasted no time and moved her device right to it, effortlessly. She knew.
The whole screen above me in the darkened room seemed to be magnified in neon fashion and there it was. Not the dense tissue cysts that showed themselves at a previous ultrasound with numerous shapes all across the screen. Nope. There was just one mass and it took up the whole screen. I knew this was different then before. I held my breath (because that is always supposed to help, right) as fear coursed through my pores. I don't know much about ultrasounds but I knew that the tech was measuring the size of the object that stretched across the screen. I knew that this tech could not tell me anything about what we were viewing on the screen so I asked mindless questions that didn't matter... just to make the time pass. The technician excused herself quickly and told me that the doctor would be right in. Fear had taken over my entire being. I had let fear's grip turn my normal optimism and trust to pessimism.
I laid on the white paper covered table, feeling naked and vulnerable thinking my life was getting altered in the moments ahead. The door had not even shut and my inflamed cheeks reflected two streams of tears...evidence of the fear welling up inside and now seeping out. There were no sobs, no words, nothing but fear.
Minutes feeling like hours passed slowly, then a doctor bounded into the room. He was smiling, actually, beaming. And he was cheery. And as he started to speak, I wiped the tears back...prepared. Although there was a large cyst, it was non-cancerous. Braced for some thread of bad news yet to come, I waited, still stiffened, for the rest but this was 'normal for my type of dense tissue'. This would not be the last time that I would experience this type of "call-back" for follow-up tests. I should be prepared to always need a second look post-mammogram. I had dodged the bullet and there was something to be gleaned from this...
I have so much that I still need to do on this Earth, especially with and for my kids. I was given a chance, to view the moments we are blessed with, as fleeting. I was gently reminded to appreciate the connections to people in my life and to my spiritual center, God. Despite any hardship, worry, problem, or difficulty, I need to celebrate my blessings today (and everyday). It may sound trite, but I am thankful, so thankful, for each new day...may I make it special in some way.
The next time fear comes knocking, I can be just a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser, and when life requires it, I can fight fear...I can fight like a girl.
*This post is in honor of each woman who did not have the same outcome as mine today. For all those women who have had to fight like a girl to knock out cancer and to those whose battle was lost before even putting on the boxing gloves...you are my heroines. May we all join forces to strong-arm ourselves and eliminate this corrosive, life-altering and life-stealing disease.*
One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. Breast cancer kills more women in the United States than any cancer except lung cancer. Offense is the best defense. The five-year survival rate of breast cancer is over 90% when caught early. Resources for Breast Cancer.
Don't hesitate or wait on getting a mammogram. Do self-screenings, regularly. Support survivors, learn from their strength, celebrate life and hold tightly to the hands of those who need us most. xo
